UNDERSTANDING UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP? I will define relationship as a way in which two or more people view and associate with each other. Therefore it is not just between a man and a woman or a boy and a girl. Every kind of friendship is a relationship.

The world we are living in is a very funny place, because if you try to stand just on your own, you will fall. The world we are living is a place where you cannot really do anything on your own without someone by your side to help or to pull up. This is actually how God made it to be. I always say that man is a social being. God made humans a social being that's why He did not create us or place us in a solitary place. He created us and placed us amongst other human beings.

Human relating with another human is God's idea. I can say this boldly, because after God created man and placed man in the Garden of Eden. Animals were there but man still felt lonely. God by Himself made another human to keep the human He has created out of loneliness.

But the point is that you don't have to walk into any form of relationship unadvised. Don't make any kind of friend unadvised. Someone can advise you and you can also advise yourself. But the best adviser you will ever have is you yourself. What I and every other person can possibly do is to suggest to you what to do and what not to do.

In this teaching I will try my best to bring you up to a place where by you can always stand on your own and make decision about who and who should be or not be a part of your life.

We shall be talking about:

1.         WHAT IS AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

2.         WHAT IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

3.         WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR WHEN CHOSEN CLOSE FRIENDS OR GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP.

Come let us take a little journey into to our relational lives.

UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Nobody would be happy to get him/herself involved in an unhealthy relationship purposely. None of us would want to be in a relationship that will keep us perpetually in any kind of bondage. Even though going into any kind of any relationship is all about losing one's freedom but it is freedom that one is happily given out without feeling that he/she is being compelled to give out.

Many people who are in unhealthy relationship are not there because they chose to but many are there because they don't know what next to do or have the courage to get out of it. Another thing is that very few relationships started unhealthily while many started well before they became sour.

WHAT'S AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. But it's not! Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to work on it. Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself, therefore it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior, fighting and quarreling of any kind.

It is not healthy to stay in a relationship that makes you feel that you can't live for another day without that person.  Any relationship that does not allow you to use own mind is way out of a healthy relationship.

WARNING SIGNS

When a FRIEND uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it's an important warning sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ask yourself, does my friend

·               Get angry when I don't drop everything for him or her?

·               Get angry if I make my opinion known in an issue?

·               Always criticize the way I look or dress?

·               Pressure me to change who you are just because of                       him/her?

·               Say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would be                 like him/her?

·               Attempt to control or manipulate me?

·               Keep me from seeing friends or from talking to any other guys or girls?

·               See every other friend of mine as people of no or low quality.

·               Pressure the other person into agreeing with you or changing to suit you better

·               Consider himself/herself more important to me than members of my family?

·               Always have reasons why he/she will not come to our house?

·               Want me to quit an activity, even though I love it and they are not sinful?

·               Ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?

·               Consider having sex with him/her as a sign of our love?

·               Try to force me to go into sex even though I don't want                to?

If you have come in contact with any of these signs. All you have to do now is to find a way of talking it over with your friend. If your friend does not want to talk about it then I will advise you to get ready for a break up. Because with time it will lead to something that both of you might not be able to control.

TIPS OF UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

1.            You feel as if you have to walk on eggshells around him/her. You can't speak your opinion because he/she always freaks out when you disagree. In these relationships, you probably will not get to have any input at all or you may be treated badly if you do attempt to contribute to any decisions.

2.            She/he restricts you from hanging out with your friends and you aren't allowed to have platonic male/female friends.

3.            You've discovered that he/she secretly checks your email, internet history and your cell phone. When you confront him/her about these behaviors, he/she attempts to make you feel responsible for her suspicions.

4.            Communication with him/her is absent and could lead to continuing verbal abuse and even ridiculing.

5.            She/he loves to highlight your mistakes and simply ignores your success.

6.            He/she is always there for you when you are down. He/she is always there to comfort you when things go wrong. But when you achieve anything positive he/she would not come to congratulate you. Meaning that he/she is not really comfortable with your success or achievements.

7.            She/he is never happy for you and deep down, you feel like you've lost yourself.

8.            You think that your friend will solve your self-esteem, body image, family, and work problems, not to mention your financial woes and spiritual blockages. (Especially girls)You believe the “right relationship” or the “perfect man” will make everything better.

9.            You expect your friend to be around all the time, especially when you need him/her. You want him/her to make you happy immediately. You're using your friend to make you feel good about yourself; you're not relating to the person as a partner or even a human being but like an object of happiness.

10.          You don't talk about who you are or what's really bothering you. You lie about what you want, both to yourself and your partner. Because you don't want to lose the person.

11.          You or friend has to act in a certain way, or someone threatens to leave. You feel trapped in your toxic relationship.

12.          You don't (or can't) trust each other. You don't really believe your partner really loves you.

13.          Your friend does not like your other friends and she/he does not want to do anything with your family members.

14.          Any time you are not with him/her, you fill so empty and angry with anything or everything around you (you kind of lose your mind).

15.          Sexual intercourse rather than friendly communication becomes the basis of spending time together.

These are not the only signs of an unhealthy relationship. There are others but these are the most prominent. If you can think of any way in which your friend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or  harm you physically or sexually, then it's time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on and make sure you're safe.

It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy to allow yourself to be emotionally caged. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything he or she doesn't want to do.

Ever heard about how it's hard for someone to love you when you don't love yourself? It's a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems. Your friend is not there to make you feel good about yourself if you can't do that on your own. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don't take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else's happiness.

What if you feel that your friend needs too much from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for you.

Someone who's not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner. Someone who feels neglected at home may not want you to be close to your own family members.

Also, intense relationships can be hard for some teenagers and young people. Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don't have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else's feelings and needs in a close relationship.

Think about the qualities you don't value in a friendship and see how they match up with the ingredients of an unhealthy relationship. Work on how to be at your best so that you can bring the best out of your friend(s).

Relationships can be one of the best and most challenging parts of your world. They can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too. Whether you're single or in a relationship, remember that it's good to be choosy about whom you get close to.

If you're still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people. Don't enter into any kind of relationship because you want to belong or be called a big girl or a big boy.

Don't hide what will make you regret all your life. Tell someone about it. Tell someone who can give you right advice, stop dying in silence. Don't allow any man/woman to be responsible for your happiness. Don't give anyone that privilege to decide your ups and your downs. Get out anything that is not healthy around you.

STAND UP AND STAND TALL--

YOU CAN NOT AVOID IT--

BUT YOU CAN CHOSE RIGHT–

- Thank you so much.