UNDERSTANDING UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP? I will define relationship as a way in which two or more people view and associate with each other. Therefore it is not just between a man and a woman or a boy and a girl. Every kind of friendship is a relationship.

The world we are living in is a very funny place, because if you try to stand just on your own, you will fall. The world we are living is a place where you cannot really do anything on your own without someone by your side to help or to pull up. This is actually how God made it to be. I always say that man is a social being. God made humans a social being that's why He did not create us or place us in a solitary place. He created us and placed us amongst other human beings.

Human relating with another human is God's idea. I can say this boldly, because after God created man and placed man in the Garden of Eden. Animals were there but man still felt lonely. God by Himself made another human to keep the human He has created out of loneliness.

But the point is that you don't have to walk into any form of relationship unadvised. Don't make any kind of friend unadvised. Someone can advise you and you can also advise yourself. But the best adviser you will ever have is you yourself. What I and every other person can possibly do is to suggest to you what to do and what not to do.

In this teaching I will try my best to bring you up to a place where by you can always stand on your own and make decision about who and who should be or not be a part of your life.

We shall be talking about:

1.         WHAT IS AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

2.         WHAT IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

3.         WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR WHEN CHOSEN CLOSE FRIENDS OR GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP.

Come let us take a little journey into to our relational lives.

UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Nobody would be happy to get him/herself involved in an unhealthy relationship purposely. None of us would want to be in a relationship that will keep us perpetually in any kind of bondage. Even though going into any kind of any relationship is all about losing one's freedom but it is freedom that one is happily given out without feeling that he/she is being compelled to give out.

Many people who are in unhealthy relationship are not there because they chose to but many are there because they don't know what next to do or have the courage to get out of it. Another thing is that very few relationships started unhealthily while many started well before they became sour.

WHAT'S AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. But it's not! Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to work on it. Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself, therefore it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior, fighting and quarreling of any kind.

It is not healthy to stay in a relationship that makes you feel that you can't live for another day without that person.  Any relationship that does not allow you to use own mind is way out of a healthy relationship.

WARNING SIGNS

When a FRIEND uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it's an important warning sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ask yourself, does my friend

·               Get angry when I don't drop everything for him or her?

·               Get angry if I make my opinion known in an issue?

·               Always criticize the way I look or dress?

·               Pressure me to change who you are just because of                       him/her?

·               Say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would be                 like him/her?

·               Attempt to control or manipulate me?

·               Keep me from seeing friends or from talking to any other guys or girls?

·               See every other friend of mine as people of no or low quality.

·               Pressure the other person into agreeing with you or changing to suit you better

·               Consider himself/herself more important to me than members of my family?

·               Always have reasons why he/she will not come to our house?

·               Want me to quit an activity, even though I love it and they are not sinful?

·               Ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?

·               Consider having sex with him/her as a sign of our love?

·               Try to force me to go into sex even though I don't want                to?

If you have come in contact with any of these signs. All you have to do now is to find a way of talking it over with your friend. If your friend does not want to talk about it then I will advise you to get ready for a break up. Because with time it will lead to something that both of you might not be able to control.

TIPS OF UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

1.            You feel as if you have to walk on eggshells around him/her. You can't speak your opinion because he/she always freaks out when you disagree. In these relationships, you probably will not get to have any input at all or you may be treated badly if you do attempt to contribute to any decisions.

2.            She/he restricts you from hanging out with your friends and you aren't allowed to have platonic male/female friends.

3.            You've discovered that he/she secretly checks your email, internet history and your cell phone. When you confront him/her about these behaviors, he/she attempts to make you feel responsible for her suspicions.

4.            Communication with him/her is absent and could lead to continuing verbal abuse and even ridiculing.

5.            She/he loves to highlight your mistakes and simply ignores your success.

6.            He/she is always there for you when you are down. He/she is always there to comfort you when things go wrong. But when you achieve anything positive he/she would not come to congratulate you. Meaning that he/she is not really comfortable with your success or achievements.

7.            She/he is never happy for you and deep down, you feel like you've lost yourself.

8.            You think that your friend will solve your self-esteem, body image, family, and work problems, not to mention your financial woes and spiritual blockages. (Especially girls)You believe the “right relationship” or the “perfect man” will make everything better.

9.            You expect your friend to be around all the time, especially when you need him/her. You want him/her to make you happy immediately. You're using your friend to make you feel good about yourself; you're not relating to the person as a partner or even a human being but like an object of happiness.

10.          You don't talk about who you are or what's really bothering you. You lie about what you want, both to yourself and your partner. Because you don't want to lose the person.

11.          You or friend has to act in a certain way, or someone threatens to leave. You feel trapped in your toxic relationship.

12.          You don't (or can't) trust each other. You don't really believe your partner really loves you.

13.          Your friend does not like your other friends and she/he does not want to do anything with your family members.

14.          Any time you are not with him/her, you fill so empty and angry with anything or everything around you (you kind of lose your mind).

15.          Sexual intercourse rather than friendly communication becomes the basis of spending time together.

These are not the only signs of an unhealthy relationship. There are others but these are the most prominent. If you can think of any way in which your friend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or  harm you physically or sexually, then it's time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on and make sure you're safe.

It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy to allow yourself to be emotionally caged. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything he or she doesn't want to do.

Ever heard about how it's hard for someone to love you when you don't love yourself? It's a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems. Your friend is not there to make you feel good about yourself if you can't do that on your own. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don't take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else's happiness.

What if you feel that your friend needs too much from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for you.

Someone who's not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner. Someone who feels neglected at home may not want you to be close to your own family members.

Also, intense relationships can be hard for some teenagers and young people. Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don't have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else's feelings and needs in a close relationship.

Think about the qualities you don't value in a friendship and see how they match up with the ingredients of an unhealthy relationship. Work on how to be at your best so that you can bring the best out of your friend(s).

Relationships can be one of the best and most challenging parts of your world. They can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too. Whether you're single or in a relationship, remember that it's good to be choosy about whom you get close to.

If you're still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people. Don't enter into any kind of relationship because you want to belong or be called a big girl or a big boy.

Don't hide what will make you regret all your life. Tell someone about it. Tell someone who can give you right advice, stop dying in silence. Don't allow any man/woman to be responsible for your happiness. Don't give anyone that privilege to decide your ups and your downs. Get out anything that is not healthy around you.

STAND UP AND STAND TALL--

YOU CAN NOT AVOID IT--

BUT YOU CAN CHOSE RIGHT–

- Thank you so much.

WHAT DIRECTION ARE YOU GOING?

DIRECTION: the way in which something or somebody goes, faces or points.

HOW I SEE IT:

Another big challenge that faces the people of my generation is that they lack direction. They don’t know where they are going to. Because everybody seems to be moving forward, we fail to really look around us to know if we are actually moving forward at all. I will like you to know that there is no standing at a place in life.  It is either you are going forward or that you are going backward. Life is either progressive or retrogressive. What many people do not understand is that the world we are living in today is too fast. So either moving forward or backward, you do any of them faster than you can imagine. We are living in a fast track world; therefore, everybody thought that we all are moving forward. The truth is that most of us are making merry-go-round without realizing it. The reason why so many people break down at middle age is because they thought they were moving forward only for them to find out by the time age caught up with them that they never made any progress at all or they stopped making progress many years ago.

There is something that Abuchi Obika, the author of ANSWERS TO YOUR PROBLEMS always says and I think that is the problem of my world. He says “you can have fun at any age but you can’t work at any age, therefore, when one fails to work hard now because the person lacks direction and is busy having fun, when the person gets older or old the person might find it difficult to regain the lost years.” (Emphasis added by me). People of my generation are not really sure of which way to follow, because they are lost in between many opinions.

It is good to have fun but don’t forget that those who will really enjoy are those that know where they are going. Those who know where they are going are those who know when to play and when to pray. You must differentiate between the time to work and the time to rock. I always tell my listeners that “all work and no play make Jack a dull boy and all play and no work makes you a poor boy.”

The Global community thing is not even helping issues too, because what is being preached by some groups of people to the 21^st century youths is freedom and independence. This has blurred the vision of today’s youths especially those from my country Nigeria. Because their vision is blurred, they lose direction. But I still believe that anyone who wants to overcome the challenges that is facing him/her or the challenges that will face him/her must understand the culture of the place he/she finds him/herself. I am saying this because we are now in a global community many youths borrow what is not, from so many people they met on the internet. So many social networks are positively and negatively affecting many young people.

Today we have so many libertarians. Trust youths of today, they love to hear libertarians talk. They love to see them act or do some things. I have come to understand that libertarianism is not good for humanism. Humans tend to run away from those that make them see their mistakes, and get glued to those that encourage them to go deeper into their shit. The next thing you will hear them say is if you love me, take me the way I am because this is who I am.  These people forget to know that if all people stay just the way they are without adjustment that no two persons will ever work, walk or even live together. Keep this locked in your heart forever, “the strength of human relationship is adjustment.” And that is what we all call understanding. The greatest room in this world, they say is room of improvement.

As an active player when it comes to things that concern youths and teens, I know what I see and hear every day. Young people of today sample opinions from someone they know nothing about their culture or things that prevail in the place where he/she is. It is good to sample opinions however; you must know what works in your culture or the place where you live. Every people have what they believe in. I don’t blame the government of Israel who monitors and controls the information one accesses on the internet. You can’t just log on to internet in Israel and open any site you want, not at all in Israel. No wonder their youths are so much committed to the cause of their country. Even their women are as strong as their men. They all are good fighters because they have not been corrupted with external information that deforms. That’s by the way.

DIRECTION:

(a)   A feeling of having a definite goal.

(b)   A sense of purpose.

Anybody that wants to succeed in life must have a definite goal. That person must know what he/she is actually pursuing. There must be a set out goal, if not one’s life will just keep rotating like football. Brain Tracy wrote in his book; EAT THAT FROG, “goals are the flame in the furnace of achievement.” All achievers that I have ever come across have goals they set out to pursue.

Friends if you want to overcome the challenges that face today’s youths, you must have a sense of purpose. You must stop living your life as if you have all the time in this world all for yourself. We have but little time to spend and it will be very good if we can achieve something significant with it. Most of the youths of old who we today call old people messed their lives because they had no definite goal or purpose.

They had plans but the plans they had been miscarried (aborted) because they didn’t have sense of purpose. Some of us blame our parents for what they did or for what they didn’t do. But when I look at my follow youths today I also see people whose children will also live to blame. But my prayer for my generation is this: may our children live to see us as their role models. Your children can’t see you as their role model if you have not done enough to make them see you that way. We must go beyond blaming others to amending those things they did that we don’t like.

What is your aim? What is your goal? What is your purpose for living? Do you know where you want to harbor your ship? Seneca said, “our plans miscarry because they have no aim. When a man doesn’t know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. No wind is also the wrong wind.”(Emphasis added by me). We do many things that are not relevant to our lives because we do not know where we are going to. We jump from here to there because we lack direction most time we play away those who will help us to get to our harbor in life. If you don’t know where you are going you won’t even know when you meet the person that will take you there.

The level you get to in life is totally dependent on the goal you set for yourself. For the fact you have a vision, have a well defined direction does not guaranty smooth road to success. There will be things that will come to push you around. Things that will make you change your direction. Winds will blow and things sometimes will fall apart. But no matter the situation you find yourself on your way to greatness always say this to yourself, “I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sail to always reach my destination.” Words of Jimmy Dean. “God did not promise us a smooth flight but He promised us safe landing.”  I heard this from the mouth of Deacon Victor Orji (Sunday School Superintendent NEM HQ. Onitsha). I believe this completely because I have experienced more than I can talk about. If you know the direction you are going to and that God is actually going with you. You would be afraid to move ahead even if there are so many difficulties in the air.

FINALLY: It does not matter how far you think you have gone away from your dream. It does not matter how far away you have wondered away from lives reality. All hopes are not lost. You can come back and start all over again. The only person that can’t make changes any more is a dead person.  You can do it better again. All you have to do is to do what the prodigal son did. Pick up yourself and go back your maker. God the creator of heavens and earth, God who called you the apple of His eyes. God who say that your wall is standing continually before Him, God who said that He will help you. I want you to know that no matter what kind of negative things people have said about you, that is not whom you are. You are much better than anyone would ever comprehend. God said so. He is waiting to wear you a new look, a new clothe and a new ring. He is waiting because you are about to be celebrated because there is no mistake God can not correct.

If you don’t know the direction your life is going please do well to consult God through his Son Jesus Christ.

1.      You can always adjust your sail if you can be able to look up to Jesus the Author and Finisher of your faith. Hebrews 12; 2a

2.      God will always be by your side to guide you through the storms of life.

3.      Remember that God’s plan for you, is plan of good not of evil. Jeremiah 29; 11

4.      Talk to some people who can help re-direct your life.

See you at the top most top. Love you dearly.

CHALLENGES FACING 21ST CENTURY YOUTHS

The challenges facing a 21^st century youth are much. Depending on how or where you are looking at it. Most often when we hear about challenges facing my generation, we think of some of the things I consider mundane. They are mundane in the sense that we can do better if we can take those things that are not particularly physical more serious.

To almost everybody the things we see or know to be challenges facing a 21^st century youth is something like:

1.       Unemployment

2.       Low standard of education

3.       Ecological challenges.

4.       Etc.

These are serious challenges too (am not disputing it), but they are mundane to me. Because if some of the challenges I listed bellow is taking care of – then those ones I listed above will be very insignificant. So I can say here that the challenges facing the 21^st century youths are:

1.       Lack of Vision

2.       Lack of Direction

3.       Self discovery

4.       Moral challenge

5.       Low Self image

6.       Spiritual challenge

VISION: the ability to see. Ability to see the features of objects we look at, such as color, shape, size, details, depth, and contrast.

Vision is achieved when the eyes and brain work together to form pictures of the world around us. Vision begins with light rays bouncing off the surface of objects. These reflected light rays enter the eye and are transformed into electrical signals. Millions of signals per second leave the eye via the optic nerve and travel to the visual area of the brain. Brain cells then decode the signals into images, providing us with sight.

Most young people of today have no seeing power. Most of us can’t see, not because we don’t have eyes or because we don’t have what to look at but because we don’t want to get involved. You must know that no man living or dead would have ever made it in life without getting involved with life. People don’t see tomorrow anymore because they don’t really care about tomorrow however. The strength of any fighter is in his ability to see. People lose spiritual battle because they do not see the enemy they are fighting with. Today young people lose the battle of life because they are not ready to see what are supposed to be fighting.

Have you imagined why boxers focus on the head region while boxing with their opponent? It is because they want to hit their opponent so hard that he can’t be able to see with his eyes. By so doing he loses his focus and either surrender or gets a broken face. When the Philistines got hold of Samson the first thing they did was to remove his eyes. They knew that without eyes Samson could nothing. What about you? Are you using your eyes/ are you sure that you are seeing at all?

Because today’s youth is mentally blind, he/she sees nothing he/she can contribute to the growth of the society. We all want to live on what we can get from the government or from our parents. Please note that I am not saying that it is wrong for anyone to want his/her home-government to get him/her good job or for the parents to make their children comfortable. It good that our government takes care of us; after all that is the reason why we voted them in. However, where will they get what they will use in taking care of everybody? World economy has failed. The so called world economic powers are living in their past glory.

The only country today in this world that can actually boast of being economically vibrant is People’s Republic of China. China produces what every other country uses. Most Chinese are entrepreneurs. All the other countries where citizens are waiting for Government to employ them are passing through economic hell fire today. What are you seeing as a young person? Chinese entrepreneurs because they are men of vision, they see potentials of other countries, therefore before the citizens of that countries found out they have already exploited them.

 One thing that I will always say to anyone is that “how far one can go in life is dependent on how far he/she can see.” Where you can’t see you can’t get to. It does not matter who you think you are. Today’s youths see nothing but they are full of ambitions, their ambition is 100 times more than their ideas. “Ambition with idea is nothing but sickness to the heart. “ It is only idea that can make ambition a possession.

An image, picture or concept in imagination.

The people of this generation care more about things that will not last than they care about things that will last. Tell me how can one survive the tide of life without first seeing his/her landing point in his mind’s eye? When you don’t have an image or picture of what you would want your tomorrow to look like; you may never go far in life. Tell me about that man or woman who is considered as an achiever and I will show you someone who has a vision or someone who knows where he/she sets out to go to. Former president of the United States of America, Thomas Jefferson said, “I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.”  This is not saying that we should disregard the past not at all but it means that we should dream about the future more often. Dreaming about the future will give us a concept of what our tomorrow will look like. We are living in a world where so many people like telling stories of their past achievement or of another person’s achievement.

Young people of today live life as if living and watching movies are the same. Today’s world is full of video games, social network sites on the internet. Some live their lives as if another name for life is social network. There are so many distractions facing my generation. Therefore, vision becomes very scarce amongst us.

With vision one can actually live being less dependent on others. If you can work on yourself and improve on what you see about your future, you will find out that you can actually overcome the challenges that face today’s youths. Write out your vision, pest it where you can always see it. Also make sure that you tell it to somebody whom you respect, someone who can help you achieve your dream with his/her advice and other support he/she can be able to afford.  

In talking to somebody I will like you to have this in your mind, “the distant between insanity and ingenuity is only measured by result.” I want you to take note of this because in pursuing your vision many people whom you are thinking that will support you might actually disappoint you. Some people will think that you are insane when you come up with your visions and plan. But if at the end of it you are able to hold fort, they will come up to praise you. Remember that they will only do this after seeing that the result is positive. The will tell others that they have always known it that you will turn out a genius. Therefore you must know that you are alone. Don’t get disappointed when no one supports you. Take your vision to God and allow Him to be part of your journey, as you work towards your vision.

ENJOY YOUR 2012